*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
You Might Also Like
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.