[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!