One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.