When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom