“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Why I divorced her.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Lmaoo 😂
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH