plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff