driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me trying to look natural in photos
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what