*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies