Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
This is a bad sign
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!