I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
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Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Stick it to the man
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.