My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Growing up was a huge mistake
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Noted.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
estão todos miauvindo?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.