[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
This a good idea
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.