Uh oh…
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Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.