I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.