Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
You Might Also Like
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.