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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Okey dokey.