If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.