I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
do u think theres a butter planet?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
A game married people play.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“How do you do, fellow birds?”