An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?