[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom