Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup