Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
twitter users today:
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.