The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.