Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.