This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My zodiac sign is pistachio
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted