my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.