Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber