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Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
i baked you a cake
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳