I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Breaking news:
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR