‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I have so many questions.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.