9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
You Might Also Like
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Hmm, not sure about this change
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.