Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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Proctology is located in A55
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.