My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.