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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”