People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
this is what they would have looked like, though
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
me, after any kind of buffet.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family