A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
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ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
This is the one
Expect the unexporcupine.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.