who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Bobby pin
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*