5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?