[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Netflix: We have Less
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.