Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Gemma Correll
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare