Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
This hospital has everything
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Breaking news:
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks