Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about