Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”