[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?