6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
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Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
uh oh
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Tough love is true love
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….