Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids