therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.