Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
This hospital has everything
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.