Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”