Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I was bored.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.